Bad Holiday for Celebrity Deaths

First him,



















now this..



















The chemically dependant are dropping like flies.

Puppy Injured, No hound to release.

As A Remembrance: 12/12/05,

To all those I was hoping to be in contact with today for various reasons: I will talk to you later.

I am at the animal hospital. Pearl charged a dog and broke free the fence at the Red River house and ran full steam into a car. I will be at the hospital for the next few hours at least or as long as it takes.

Initial reports are good. She was limping and loosing hair due to the shock. She had a small abrasion on her right back foot and a large scratch on her shoulder. She had blood in her mouth and that is the worst of it right now.

I will keep you posted as to the status and please be patient with my replies.


-and later-

I think my little girl is alright. The vet gave her back to me with the same black tread mark across her shoulder, very sore, slightly sluggish puppy who is a little drugged-up. She has no broken bones and they don't think her internals have any damage. She's clearly very shaken up and keeps trembling. The patient is currently snoring loudly at my feet. I still have her blood on my close and I'm sure I was freaking out when I took her to the Vet.

On a weird note, the Vet and her speech impaired assisted did say ask me what about my blood type.

"A-Positive", I told them, "but why do you need to know that?"
Well, after a few hmms and a gaggle of haws and even a longer time staring at the floor, the bald stammering Vets assistant yelped at me, " we tested Pearl and found out that she is expecting a litter of Muppies".

My jaw dropped. I asked the Vet and her slack jawed assistant, "What on gods earth is a 'Muppy'?"

The 50-somthing grey haired granola Vet lady explained to me, "A muppy is a man-puppy". She went on to describe that "Some man, a HUman, has been having sex with your dog and has gotten her pregnant. The only thing we know is that his blood type is type-O".

Then, she kinda stepped back and glared at me. And as one of her eyebrows arched and the corner of her mouth began to curl she grunted " it ain't right to have sex with an DOG".

I quickly paid Pearl's bill cash and left before they got their pitchforks out and chased me down the street with the rest of the angry villagers.

So, I need to have a difficult conversation with Mark tonight.

Thank you all for your concern about Pearl. For those of you whom have not met her she would like to say "thank you". For those who know her well, she asked me to tell you, "woof, woof woof, gurgle, gurgle wheeeh".

Last minute gift Ideas

Anyone want to go in halvies and open a studio with me?

http://austin.craigslist.org/msg/108942788.html

Good press for Architects

long time no post

The Ice Storm of '05.

Leper on the plane

OK, so flying coach was not as bad as I remember it. IT WAS WORSE. Last night on my flight, the guy dozed off and slept so I pulled out my camera and go to shoot the shot of his screwed up flipper. His other hand was worse but I was afraid my fellow passengers would rat me out.

Fresca

Your in love with someone, you know them for years and then, then they change. But you have to allow them their space. Fresca, of which I have been the lead proponant for years has now evolved from Sparkling Citrus (grapefruit) to Blackcherry Citrus and Peach Citrus. As if the new lable wasn't enough I haven't even had these new flavors yet. However, I can tell you that it will only be a matter of time.

Oh, and one more thing. FRESCA RULEZ (thats right with a "z").

And if you haven't tried FRESASCAPE you haven't really used Al Gore's internet.

PS monkey will you call me back when you have time.

such a stange bolt

For the first time in my life I can not speak honestly about everything I'd like too. Time will turn this at my discretion or an others. We will see. Blog's are just to public. (whatever)


But in any event, I’m totally enamored by one of the America's old allies. Who was both the last person to be offered a Dukedom by the British Crown as well as being the first person to be offer a honorary citizenship in the US? Did you guess or did you click on the link? HERE HE IS!

And for grins a picture of a dog. - dig the beard!

Happy Birthday PS, I love you

What can you say that history hasn't already said. Happy 65th.














Also, Steve Gadd was honored at the American Drummers Achievement Awards on Saturday, September 13, 2003. I thought you'd like to know.

NY Subway Scare

Ok, I miss the hell out of NY somedays but this is not one of them. When I picked up CNN's lead this morning about the Subway I thought back to a dozen cocktail conversation that I've had with as many people about the indefensabilty of the subway system and the awesome damage it could cause.

With 490 Subway stations, 4.8 million riders per day and 685 miles of track, 443 of which are underground the mere logistics of the track make it indefensible. My hopes and thoughts goto the people of NYC and the innocents everywhere for that matter. However having been through the post 9/11 personal searches, I'd put my money on the other guys ability to get something through.

It also dawned on me today that with all the dozens of pictures I have of NYC and all the time I spent there I don't have very few photos of a subway.

Jim Reeves

Have you ever listed to a song a hundred times but never really heard it.

Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone.
Let's pretend that we're together, all alone.
I'll tell the man to turn the juke box way down low,
And you can tell your friend there with you he'll have to go.
Whisper to me, tell me do you love me true,
Or is he holding you the way I do?
Tho' love is blind, make up your mind, I've got to know,
Should I hang up, or will you tell him he'll have to go?
You can't say the words I want to hear
While you're with another man,
If you want me, answer "yes" or "no,"
Darling, I will understand.
Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone.
Let's pretend that we're together, all alone.
I'll tell the man to turn the juke box way down low,
And you can tell your friend there with you he'll have to go.

IT'S LOS GRAPADORAS BIRTHDAY

My blog is a year old today. And what a rollercoaster this year has been. So to celebrate I've been working on my boat, designing two different houses, wearing a silly hat and so forth.

For a visual aide, I will attach one of my favorite pictures from NYC. Also hello to Matt and Maggie. Congratulations on your one year anniversary and may you have many happy years together.

I will also attach a story I like from the ONION:

Adult-Entertainment Industry Donates $100,000 In Charity Sex To Hurricane Victims

VAN NUYS, CA—Citing the need for a "nationwide outpouring of love," the American Adult Entertainment Foundation announced Monday that it will donate $100,000 worth of charity sex to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. "We have truckloads of willing, wild, and wet porn-industry professionals heading to refugee centers right now to take it in every hole from Katrina survivors," said AAEF spokeslut Vivica Vixxxen. "We're ready for a no-holes-barred orgy of disaster-relief action." Vixxxen added: "Of course, we'll wait until the victims are rehydrated and rested up enough to manage it."

Austin City Limits

Various Photos from ACL and the people I saw there.


Bike City








the crowd








robert earl keen, jr









wilco







Mark







Jet












Lyle Lovette











Bob Mould






Carrie & Mark






the gang

Dee

M & D in Wellington

Train Song

Train Song
She asks:
Why can’t you sleep tonight,
What’s turning in your mind?
I wanna see the little things,
The ones you try to hide.

She says:
I’ll go get a bottle
And the cigarettes
Meet you on the side poarch
You’ll tell me what you will

And I Try
Oh, I try
But you’ll not get it
Until you’ve lost your mind

You hear:

Carters on the radio
Singin ‘bout his life
You don’t tap your foot at all
Don’t know what it’s about

You ask:

Why do they write trains songs
& pine for their ex-wives?
Why do they love old cars
& drink away their lives?

I couldn’t Try
Oh, Try
Sugar up your gas tank
Not till you’ve lost your Mind

I say:
I wanna tell you something
Bring you on inside
Show you some dirty flowers
Tell you all my lies

I want so much to try again
To faint this pugil stance.
If you pour another round
I might get the chance

And, I try
Oh, I try
But I just get it
When I loose my mind
© los grapadora 9-16-03

Austin City Limits Festival

If you can find a better concert lineup that this one _ I'd say you're lying. Read this list of bands. WOW.


Coldplay
Widespread Panic
Oasis
The Black Crowes
The Allman Brothers Band
Wilco
Roky Erickson & The Explosives
Robert Randolph & The Family Band
Lyle Lovett & his Large Band
John Prine
Lucinda Williams
Buddy Guy
Jet
Dierks Bentley
Thievery Corporation
Arcade Fire
Death Cab for Cutie
Bob Mould Band
Built to Spill
Bloc Party
Steve Earle & The Dukes
Blues Traveler
Franz Ferdinand
Gov't Mule
Drive-By Truckers
Kasabian
Zap Mama
Robert Earl Keen
Keane
Tortoise
Doves
The Black Keys
Kaiser Chiefs
Leo Kottke & Mike Gordon
The Walkmen
Jason Mraz
Rilo Kiley
Spoon
The Decemberists
The Bravery
Eisley
Blue October
Grupo Fantasma
Kermit Ruffins
The Dirty Dozen Brass Band
Bettye La Vette
Rev. Dan Willis & The All Nations Choir
Morgan Heritage
Ricardo Lemvo & Makina Loca
Ruthie Foster
deSol
The Frames
Mates of State
Mindy Smith
Martin Sexton
The Fiery Furnaces
Aterciopelados
Kathleen Edwards
Asleep at the Wheel
M83
Tegan and Sara
Mike Doughty's Band
Split Lip Rayfield
Rachael Yamagata
Bobby Bare Jr.
Mofro
The Ditty Bops
The New Amsterdams
Ambulance Ltd
Slightly Stoopid
dios (malos)
Brave Combo
Aqualung
Dave Alvin & The Guilty Men
John Butler Trio
Bruce Robison
Missy Higgins
Nine Black Alps
Kevin Fowler
Jack Ingram
Cory Morrow
Grady
The Weary Boys
Wayne “The Train” Hancock
Monte Warden
Zykos
Soundteam
Asylum Street Spankers
Pong
Oliver Future
The Real Heroes
Bukka Allen
Hairy Apes BMX
Nic Armstrong & The Thieves
The Lost Trailers
The Gospel Stars
Donna The Buffalo
The Shields of Faith
Star Kids Yoga
The Jones Family Singers
South Austin Jug Band
The Lighthouse Singers
Kacy Crowley
Casey McPherson
Tristan Prettyman
The Massacoustics
Joe McDermott
Sara Hickman
Anthropos
The Palm Elementary School Choir
Lucas Miller
Imagination Movers
Free Sõl
Jeff Black
KJAE
Austin Hartley-Leonard
Maneja Beto
Austin Collins Band
The Biscuit Brothers
Naturally Seven
Patrick Davis
Kelley Hunt
Kate York
The Experiment Experience

Fast + Loose

I wanna wish you Happy Birthday Baby,
Not gonna see your face any more
Don’t need to hash out or settle the score
Let’s forget it happened

Can’t begin to draw it, Baby,
Elegant monster with nothing to loose
Author of this reptilian rouse
That nearly killed me

Can’t spend fast & loose with me anymore

Clutch your dearest wishes, Baby
Picked a name from a magic hat
You chose to abandon all that
Regrets can’t reside with me

You had a right to remain silent, Baby
Your remained silent to be rightSo as the signal fails and the light
Fades from the canyon floor

Can’t spend fast & loose with me anymore

Please leave me to sleep now, Baby
That’s where we meet since the coast
The lingering discourse with your ghost
And I have to speak both parts

If I ever get my head back, Baby
Maybe one day we’ll stand and chat
Ask if you recall this and that
As the only two survivors

Can’t spend fast & loose with me anymore

© los grapadora 9-6-05

Always Curious

Always fun to log on to Stat-counter and see who's reading your blog. You start to wonder why some one in Philadlephia keeps logging on to your blog with no referring website just to see your misc. ramblings.

Top 3 curiousities:

1. Philadelphia, PA (11 visits)
2. Sylva, South Carolina (12 visits)
3. Santa Anna, CA (15 visits)

Who are you guys? (wink wink)

Also at long last - World, meet Pearl. Pearl, meet world. Good, Pearl.







This weeks song will come later tonight. The hammering and construction are blowing my ability to finish it, I didn't work on songs this weekend. I did paint a canvas and build a deck.

So Long as She Spells Bra With a D

Guy #1: She may be the stupidest girl ever.
Guy #2: I think she just pretends she is stupid.
Guy #1: Dude, she spelled Missouri with a Z, and Kansas with a U.
Guy #2: She does have a huge rack, though.
Guy #1: Tremendous!

--34th & Lexington

McCarren Head

The patch I wore over my eye
Only let me see half the arc & line
As I listened to you speak
Or told myself as I went to sleep

Morning, your drink will’ve thin’d
McCarren held my head again

It’s been a long time - tryin to quit
The nanno & insignificant
Mounds of dust and fuzz
The cloud of togetherness

‘night, I’ll sleep where I fall
McCarren held my head another night

The bike I got you to ride
Was never meant a tool of flight
Polished tiles in better places
Than static interstates scenes

Your story will come but
McCarren will hold my head another night

Swerving down Java trailing
Wine and cigarette plums
Hoodies like the hipster
a single job instead of two

You apologize for morning but
McCarren held my head again


© los grapadora 8-30-05

making SUV's Viable isn't Stategic, its middle class welfare

Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman said the White House will tap the U.S. Strategic Petroleum Reserve to help ease concerns about the disaster's effect on the nation's fuel supplies. Katrina on U.S. oil production and refinery capabilities may be worse than initial reports estimated and could lead to a national gas crisis in the short-term, analysts warned Tuesday.

So if you believe there were weapons of mass destruction then keeping gas prices low maybe a strategic concern? Ketchup is a vegetable and Mc Donald’s needs warning labels telling people of the danger of their coffee.

Please god, help the poor people in the gulf coast, Thailand, Sri Lanka and the leaders of the US to stop embarrassing me/us.

Completly inane

This was taken from a wonderful website called "songfacts". Kelly comments were regarding the lesser heard Beatles song, No Reply. And whereas I agree to her/him that it is unfortunate that I will never get to hear The Beatles perform. Its sadder still that John and George are dead. The irony I think will be when Paul is the last living Beatles. The last Beatles concert was in August '66 in Candlestick Park and they last appeared in public in January '69. Sorry, Vato, but I think you're way late on this on. Hell, JL was dead before you were born.

Yep Im 16 and the beatles are so wonderful. its wierd how my parents liked the beatles at my age, and now i adore them...but unfortunatley you can never really see them live anymore...- Kelly, Farmingdale, NY

Amazingly Comprehensive

SLANG SLURS SLANDER

Overheard

It's Bacteria That Gives It The Flavor

Guy: Original flavored yogurt tastes terrible.
Girl #1: You should have seen the faces he was making.
Girl #2: Why? Does it taste like semen?

Guy: I wouldn't know, would you?
Girl #2: I don't know; I've never tasted plain yogurt before!

--Chelsea Market, 9th Avenue

Every Future Touch

I remember most of the places
(I) can see most all their faces
And the way their eyes
Always Looked, just so.

They were skinny,
Some were ample
Others kind and those
Who trampled me,
Until I had to go

All infidels aside
I’m just a little late
I promise dear,
I’m missing you
And every future touch

She wouldn’t talk
Others would rattle;
One would hide me
Another would scatter
Whenever trouble came around

Not for want
Or fear of looking,
One could wash
I’d do the cooking
And hold fast to her
As we rambled through the night

All infidels aside
I’m more than a little late
I promise dear,
I’m missing you
And every future touch

© los grapadora 8-22-05

Settle In

Settle In

Go on + settle in
The fit’ll kick a while;
Cecil brought no word
how it was to die.

What’s mine and yours
were never quite the same;
Pulled along side me
So bright you’d shine

Once you cajoled
Made a wager long;
At the final post
Wish I hadn’t heard.

Roll the way home,
home we use-ta share
at the waters edge
hidden comforts there

Baby blue & Brown
Living in this other town;
Go-cup fingers crossed
The flail with ever end.

Go on + settle in
The fit’ll kick a while;
Kees brings no word
How it had to die.

© los grapadora 8-17-05

missed Friday due to moving - aka VW

Ariel Ramirez

Oh where you lay
Your head tonight
I'll roll away alone
And close on down

Take up your ring
And fly back out
And we'll pretend,
Forget we're dead

Yeah, we'll lay it down
When we're all through
When we're killed or cured
And barely heard

Put Ariel on
And smoke away the night
And do the white net craw
lUntil the hammers fall

I kept your poem here
With all my other gear
But in the end I missed what it meant

Oh where you lay
Your head tonight
I'll roll away alone
And close on down.

the burn

Black Star

Black Star
i get home from work and you're still standing in your dressing gown well what am i to do?
i know all the things around your head and what they do to you.what are we coming to?
what are we gonna do?

chorus
blame it on the black star
blame it on the falling sky
blame it on the satellite that beams me home.

the troubled words of a troubled mind i try to understand what is eating you.
i try to stay awake but its 58hours since that i last slept with you.
what are we coming to?
i just don't know anymore.

i get on the train and i just stand about now that i don't think of you.
i keep falling over i keep passing out when i see a face like you.
what am i coming to?
i'm gonna melt down

ONCE

Once I was dug up I was sinking

I was longing to be saved

I lapped up to the bay bar

And I saw her bobbing like a wave

And I slowed down

Just six months this summer since I've known her

That she's been away

And sometimes I still answer to the gone ghosts

that only suckers make

Slow down and hold on hold on

Even my heroes are almost gone

Almost folding from the flame

But how low can your fuse glow

And warm you until your torch begins to fade

I dreamed of a couple dancing close and drunk

In the spray of lights they made

And once I was dug up I was sinking but now

I'm longing to be saved

I was happier this time last year.

I hope to one day hear Mark Miller and his wife record this song.

Expectations in three

Chorus:

Pride packs her bags and she barded the train with desire
As I stood at the station, I said goodbye
To the fine line between high and dry


I don’t ask for much cause I’ve given up trying
To get through one day with nobody lying
And nothing taken away
If you gave me three wishes I would be done with the dishes
And the Children would sleep just once through the night
And then there might be a way

Chorus

If I could know anything, I would know where you are
And I would know why you left and why you’re always so far
So high and so far away

If I could be anything I’d be that girl on the swing
I’d be the man on the train who helps his wife with her bags
And put an end to the shame

Chorus 2X:

If I had all the kings’ money I would pay off these bills
And have a night on the town and make a run for the hills
And stop this hanging around

© Mark Miller 2005

It's not what you know, it's that you know

It's been pointed out to me that the previous posting might be taken the wrong way. But I say fine. I didn't ask for a divorce nor did I give up on my wife for unreasonable reasons (in fact at all, I stuck by her). So if she or anyone else can't see the humor in the previous post which is from the Onion then to Hell with them. It's funny. The Onion says so.

As for the rest of it, I'd rather have my reasonable wife back as compared to the life I have now, but that is not to be. So, here I am. Waiting for the papers she says she will send. In many ways I hope she does. I never expected to find a woman I wanted to marry, so she was a suprise but I also never expected to chose someone so weak of will. Here I am, 32 with a woman who told me she only chose me in order to get out of Sedona.

I would have bought her a bus ticket. I should have given her the divorce she wanted in the Thai Chung Airport.

I'M A FUCKED UP CHICK MAGNET (TAKEN FROM THE ONION) but funny

Hey, I don't want to brag, but when you got it, you got it. And when it comes to picking up women with severe personality disorders, I've got it. Seems like whenever I'm in the same room with a sexy young nutcase looking for some hot dysfunctional action, we lock eyes and I gaze right into the twisted, abnormal recesses of her psyche, and then—bam! We make an instant, undeniable, and incredibly unhealthy connection. What can I say? When it comes to women, I'm a fucked-up-chick magnet.

I know what you're thinking: "Who is this guy to sound so full of himself?" I'm not being egotistical—it's just true. Hey, I know I'm not perfect. Who is? We've all got problems. I'm sure I've got some myself. But here's one problem I don't have: the ladies. When it comes to charming every borderline psycho in a skirt, I take second place to no man. I guess I just give off that "Hey there, pretty lady with the lifelong unresolved emotional issues" vibe. It can't be taught—you either got it or you don't. And I got it.

Everywhere I go, all kinds of psychiatrically disturbed women come running—women who never got over a traumatic childhood accident, or habitually cut themselves, or slept with their stepfathers, or abuse substances while locked in self-destructive cycles of internalized loathing and rage. They just can't keep their hands off me.

It's been this way my whole life. When I was 14, I got lucky with a classmate's mom. In high school, I dated every bipolar suicide risk in town. In college, I had at least a dozen girlfriends who couldn't decide whether they were mental patients or lesbians. It's just the way it is: Deranged dolls dig me.

I don't even have to try. Maybe it's chemistry, or pheromones, or these women can tell I'm afflicted with a complementary set of psychiatric disorders and their fucked-up-female intuition just can't resist. Whatever it is, I'm not complaining. All I have to do is show up at a bar, and before last call, every damaged woman in the place will make a beeline for yours truly, looking to get me entangled in a horrific web of codependency, manipulation, and mutual denial.

The sex is great, too. Believe me, all these highly unstable women have so many self-esteem issues, identity crises, and subconscious needs for approval from absent or emotionally abusive father figures, they'll do practically anything to try to please a man, no matter how self-destructive it is. Sweet!

Take this hot little nutjob who picked me up last weekend. Talk about crazy between the sheets! She cleaned my pipes six ways from Sunday before breaking down in tears out of nowhere at 4 a.m., screaming irrational threats, and trying to throw my stereo out the second-story window. Luckily, I was able to calm her down with a little TLC—time-release lithium capsules—and get her into a cab before she caused any serious property damage. But still, she can't stay away—she's been leaving, like, eight voicemail messages an hour on my cell phone. Hey, once they get a little taste of the old Deanster, they always come back for more... even after multiple restraining orders and injunctions.

All I can do is shrug and say, "Crazy women go crazy for me."

Lots of guys have asked for my secret, saying stuff like, "Wow, you sure can pick 'em," or "Dude, you need help." They can't understand how I manage to attract so many hot, wild, desperately pathological chicks. But I can't tell you my secret... It's just some kind of inexplicable magic.

Well, whatever it is, I'm enjoying every fucked-up minute of it.

Can't write my mind like I want it to Read

To my oldest Pal:

Ship me somewheres east of Suez,
where the best is like the worst,
Where there aren't no Ten Commandments
an' a man can raise a thirst;
For the temple-bells are callin',
an' it's there that I would be
By the old Moulmein Pagoda,
looking lazy at the sea;
On the road to Mandalay,
Where the old Flotilla lay,
With our sick beneath the awnings
when we went to Mandalay!
O the road to Mandalay,
Where the flyin'-fishes play,
An' the dawn comes up like thunder
outer China 'crost the Bay !

Whale of a Tale

Been writing all of this stuff down and making spread sheets trying to keep it all straight. Bullet Points just weren't cutting it. I've finally making alot of sense and actually a really fantastical story of bizarre but true events. Sure I'll have to fictionalize the ending; cuting and pasting all the emails, linking the missing pieces from from friends from the Dr's, therapists, "experts", the miles traveled, dark and light places visited and at such strange times and places. The cast alone is nuts.

Its all completely ridiculous and sometimes I think I can almost wake up from all this and see the blinds of an old bedroom but thats what makes it real. Crazy - thats the prognosis by everyone - I say fucking Hilarious, cerca Billy Bob Thorton in the intro scene to Badder Santa.

Friday again and I'm not closer

I can't begin to describe the amount of dissapointment that I feel every tedious moment of the day and night for last 3 months. Disspointed in my life and my wife. Dissappointed in the decisions of sacrifice I've made along the way and dissappointed in myself for leaning on those around me.

I would still try just about anything to salvage the relationship with her but her continual hostillity has not subsided for more than a few occasions in our limited communication. Her hatred and accusations are seemingly never ending. I can't even deal with it anymore, I just have to let it slide. I can't fight with her for no reason. I'm can't live with the anger. I'm just not that unhappy with another human being that I would still call up an tell I love (which she does).

To her, I am a lyer, a thief, a adulter and an abandoner. None of which are true. I've appologized till I'm blue in the face and it does no good. I can not get her forgiveness and she feels she owes none for her transgressions. I'm tired of this wound it hurts too bad.

Well here I am. What do I do now? What a strange purgatory I now reside in. Can't move forward can't go back, don't really like where I (as a person) am. Austin is good and comfortable and fun. Sailing, casual shorts, running, riding in the jeep, working on Mark's house, 40 hours, safety from terrorism.

What the hell is next?

week in week out

Well after seeing my Dr. on Friday the change is helping. I am no longer nauseous all the time. I hope it helps. I’m down to my High School weight at this point and if I drop below 180 I think I’m going to get some weight gain drinks or something. I suppose it is saving the hotel a fortune on food.

I spoke with Teresa last night for about 45 minutes. She wasn’t feeling well (ill). I hope she’s ok. With or without me (whatever she chooses) I want her to be well in the world and despite the heavy toll this has taken on our hearts and on my health I want her to be ok. I do however hope she decides to try and work things out with us.

I wish I knew what to do in my current situation. I know she is still very angry with me but I can’t seem to get through to her and nor can I convince her how much I still love/feel/care for her. She’s convinced, much as she always was that I am spending my free time in strip joints or with whores when nothing could be further from the truth. I married her and agree to be faithful to her to my dying day and have maintained that beyond reproach. I haven’t even been close.

When I ask myself what she is most upset about I think it’s a fear of being abandoned. I know she felt abandoned in England as I did here. I know that when we were in arguments and she was screaming and cursing and violent to me and I went to sleep in my office she was always angry that I had not stayed to fight with her, but I just had to put a stop to things until we could both be calm and rational. I never wanted to invalidate her feeling by not caring it just didn’t feel helpful to scream at demonstrate that her issues were/are important to me.

I’ve apologized for everything that I know of. I just don’t know what else to do.
When we spoke, I was hit with a barrage of accusations. That I’m a druggie, that I’m a bipolar, that I’m crazy, selfish, only interested in what’s best for me. I could deny all these things but she would only claim that I was invalidating her feelings.

I want her to be well and I hope it is with me. I hope she will accept my invitation to come and try to work through our problems.

2nd time in 3 weeks

My 2nd time in an ER in three weeks was fun. I'm getting a bit tired of it but the stress of my job and the absolute lack of contact to my once loving wife takes me in a very horrible place. I'm doing better now and have gotten new meds. I had very little idea why she is so angry with me or why she had refused any form of conversation or reconcilliation but it is taking its toll. I don't want a divorce but if she requires one I wish she would do so that I could move on. I still love her and want to see her again and hear her voice but only now with the compasion that we were both lacking during our time apart.

Who knows, she may be gone but I stick my my posting of December, that my marriage to her was the best thing that had ever happend to me and I love her very much. I only wish that she would accept my wrong doings and appologize for some of her own. I may have married a child and not the 32 y.o.woman with an exteremly indiscrete history of her own that I had expected.

stat counter from MD and San Jose

I can only imagine my IP is being scanned and I'm being screened by the inlaws. The stat counter is hitting dozens of hits from Westminster MD and San Jose all day yesterday and Sunday the 18th. Have fun looking for more dirt.

Dieing on the Inside

I've not left with much I can do. I keep working, I guess. I went to New Mexico and Nevada this weekend bad idea. Forgot my anxiety pills and had a panic attack in a parking garage. I'm at the depth of despair and I'm doing the best I can to keep my head up but this is so hard. I never knew I could be torn apart like this.

If I had an address for her I'd send her a copy of "Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind" (we loved this movie) and a copy of the quote from Lance Armstrong "well its better that you give up on something at the first sign of trouble because then you have something to regret for the rest of your life".

Bitch moan, cry, wail. I do love her so.

Do you remember?

It was 2000-2001 and everyone I knew had a IM account. I had AOL, MS and Yahoo all at the same time. I'd had a special browser that allowed you to access all three at the same time.

I remember when it was an insult to your sweetheart to have more than one IM window open and be talking to other people.

Now its Sunday, and I can't find anyone on. I'm never on anymore. I no longer waste entire afternoons typing inane things to my friends and sharing files that are worthless. I'm sure all the above really pleases my employer, but I have to think that its kinda like the Rubic's cube or any other fad, Its days are numbered. Sure, it has morphed into text messaging on phones but to be honest typing out messages to friends in neighboring towns is kinda pointless when cell phone minutes are free.

Holy fizznissle

Ok some of you aren't going to get this and other will piss themselves.

go choose a URL, copy the full http:///www.???? .....and then got to


http://www.gizoogle.com/

and type in your favorite URL.

I like this one so far:

http://sites.gizoogle.com/?url=http://www.breastcancer.org/dia_detec_exam_idx.html

Death to Hunter by Suicide

Why did I like this man. Was it because of his association with Counter Culture? Was it is status as a drop out who was still being paid? I don't know.

I do know that Fear, Junky et al. are some of my favorite books and that style is more important that syntax.

Go well Mr. Thompson.

Songs in my head

I woke up with two really flaky songs in my head and one cool one.

First, there is "lay you hands on me" by the Thompson Twins (UGG)

Second, I've got the "Mexican Hat Dance" in my head. I don't know why but I wish it would go away.

and for some reason I keep mixing that into "American Girl" by Tom Petty

If this is forecast to the type of day, that I'll be having - I'm in deep shit.

YEAH - JEFF GORDON

Hold up, in Hotel CA

Saturday night (ok Sunday morning) and I'm in my room and killing time. Its rained all weekend and most of the week, but that doesn't stop my oponents from requesting access to things that are dangerous when wet. Climbing on scaffolding, playing on the roof, etc.

T-bone is in London. She left yesterday and called this afternoon to say that she had arrive safely and was being treated well. I miss her more now that the ocean separates us. I hope to be back in NYC by friday but will be forced to cancel my surgery in order to make my move work for sure.

dime a dozen

I know this concept is not original, but I kinda thought it was funny to imagine what spam and other crap Scrub would have in his Hotmail (provided the NSA didnt' filter it for him).

OUR SCHEDULE

Because everyone who reads this is either a close friend or random stranger. The time has come to lay it all out. We are moving to San Fransisco!

I will leave for another business trip on 2.6.05 and I will get to see Teresa in SF over Valentines weekend. We plan to scout for apartments over that time before I return for work and she goes to London from 2.18 to 5.1.05.

Sometime between 3.15 and 5.15, we will pack up and move. I still have a surgery scheduled for 3.4.05 but will not be back in NYC until 2.25 (or so - not sure).

In the mean time, we are going to try to get rid of as much stuff here that we can (limit the expense of the move). We've been seeing lots of movies (Sideways and The Aviator, this week) and I can't stress enough how GREAT the Iron and Wine CD is. PLEASE PLEASE CHECK IT OUT.

NAZI'S WEAR BOSS

ok, ok, I've been told this a number of times but I think its finally come own to the wire. Someone commented that they love my Hugo Boss suit and I chimed in with my little trinkette of information about the NAZIs.

HUGO WAS A WAR PROFITER AND HE HELPED THE NAZI'S.

GASP - What's that you say. Boss worked with the Nazi's - you bet ya.

I have to say, as much as I dispise the Nazi's and what they did, Albert Speer and the SS had nice looking uniforms. If you can remove anything from its historic context (and most people can't), then you must be able to recognize a positive inside a negative.

Albert Speer, Hitlers architect, was put in charge of designing most of the State Buildings of the third riche. He spent his later years, after he got out of going to prison, lamenting his time and some of his earlier decisions. I have to ask myself (and you) that what the political climate is in this country, completely disgusts me, but i'd have a hard time being shot for having built any of the buildings I've worked on.

Speer, like Boss were very talented and although not always the best solution, their designs were something to marvel.

Whatever! Don't kill millions of people and don't loose the war and the world will find you differently.



a

The question.....

I think I speak for most people in wondering where DOUG DOUG was when all of this went down and how he knew which bus to get on.

And still it burns

I can only imagine the chortling around the new room when the editor emailed the desk of the new guy and told him, "your gonna have to go get a picture of a burning pile of shit in Nebraska".


The copy editor pretty much had a blast with it also "Herculean attempts to douse it."


Slow News Day!

Shout out to the REAPER

this is too damn funny. I've seen calenders like these my entire life in construction offices and Automechanics shops, but now my dear Undertaker Friend will not have to be left out.

Yuk, Yuk, Yuk - these women look so excited to be working on the project.

OH _ MY_ GA

My hits have gone through the roof today. I normally get 10-15 hits per day but now I'm up to almost 50. It's like I got listed on a new search engine or something, which btw, if you've never done. Try goggling your blog if you really want to get depressed.
I've have tons of work that the world will never see, yet my paragraph mentioning Avocado's comes up all the time. Who knew?

New CD's Rock Balls

I've just jumped into a new group of 5 CDs and 3 out of 5 are totally wonderful. They are:

1. Iron & Wine - Our Endless Numbered Days - very quite acoustic bass one or two very soft vocals and either a Mandolin, Guitar or Banjo for a lead. This guy is from Florida and writes some really catchy tunes.

2. Ambulance, LTD. Brooklyn band - not cutting edge or anything to prog but very solid alt. rock with a shoe-gazer sense of how songs get put together.

3. A.C. Newman - The Slow Wonder - This is the front man for my favorite release in 2004, the New Pornographers, doing the solo thing. This is full-bodied Indie- pop but has the controlled dry synth piano and organ as the lynch pin to some solid fluffy music. Think the Canadian, XTC.

4. Comets on Fire - I don't know, maybe this will grow on me or maybe I'm finally getting musically to old for loud music. I haven't really processed this because the first track annoys the shit out of me.

5. The Black Keys - Rubber Factory- OK, I bought into the hype. Two kids from Akron don't totally "get" the blues. Although this is not a bad album, it's like the music you hear in record stores - you get it home and its just not so much fun to live with. Although this album is on many critics top 10 lists - its only makes my top 25. This sounds a lot like the White Strips although these kids are uglier than Jack or Meg White and can actually sing.

RIP PJ

Well, I thought he was immortal but Mr. Johnson has finally succumbed to time. For those of you who live in Houston, Dallas or Ft. Worth, you might want to read this.

"Toward the end of his life, Johnson went public with some private matters -- his homosexuality and his past as a disciple of Hitler-style fascism. On the latter, he said he spent much time in Berlin in the 1930s and became "fascinated with power," but added he did not consider that an excuse.

""I have no excuse (for) such utter, unbelievable stupidity. ... I don't know how you expiate guilt," he says.

"He blamed his homosexuality for causing a nervous breakdown while he was a student at Harvard and said that in 1977 he asked the New Yorker magazine to omit references to it in a profile, fearing he might lose the AT&T commission, which he called "the job of my life."

"In the 1950s, Johnson reflected on his career and what he hoped to achieve.

""I like the thought that what we are to do on this earth is embellish it for its greater beauty," he said, "so that oncoming generations can look back to the shapes we leave here and get the same thrill that I get in looking back at theirs -- at the Parthenon, at Chartres Cathedral."

On his dismissal from the New England Life Insurance Co in 1985
"Architects are pretty much high-class whores. We can turn down projects the way they can turn down some clients, but we've both got to say yes to someone if we want to stay in business."

"All architects want to live beyond their deaths."


I hate vacations. If you can build buildings, why sit on the beach?

I'm about four skyscrapers behind.

"Architecture is the art of how to waste space."

THE BOAT IS SOLD

I got the first installment of cash today and will be giving the new owner the title in April when he pays the last half and when City Island is thawed out and boats start going into the water. Its been a wild and strange ride but I think I’m now officially a land lubber again. Well, expect for the other boat I still have in TX ……grrrr. One at a time!

blog poll

Urban Dictionary

IF YOUR BOOK MARK ONE LINK THIS YEAR FROM MY BLOG THIS IS IT.


Pretty funny stuff - Stanley Steamer

Whats with the weather this year?

Everywhere I go, the weather seems to be imploding. In CA there were mudslides and rain like they'd never seen. Now in NYC, it is the Blizzard of '05. I can't help but laugh at the title, even if I feel very sorry for the homeless.

Maybe, just maybe - it's me that’s causing the fierce weather. Does anyone want to fly me somewhere to find out? Please make it somewhere warm, but lets see if we can't give Turks and Caicos a freak ice storm, I take donations at dcudd@paypal.com.

To all those interested, my surgery/procedure has been postponed until March. Also, anyone wishing to the get my ass drunk one more time before March may also donate at dcudd@paypal.com or at your local liquor store.

Where did he go?

I appologize for those of you who are missing the blog, but I am out in Cali - working for the Man. Its rained a ton, over 24" in the last 4 days. Still raining today. I'm getting a little punchy from being locked in this place and really hope my boss gets my laptop soon.

The move to SF is coming along. T got a soft offer that should become firm this week. Last week, when I spoke to the owner of my company about the topic, he stated that she should take the job and we would work it out on Monday. So, it looks like SF is finally going to happen and it only took a year.

I'll let you know if I see any mud slides or the tornado that we are watching for in Ventura.