week in week out

Well after seeing my Dr. on Friday the change is helping. I am no longer nauseous all the time. I hope it helps. I’m down to my High School weight at this point and if I drop below 180 I think I’m going to get some weight gain drinks or something. I suppose it is saving the hotel a fortune on food.

I spoke with Teresa last night for about 45 minutes. She wasn’t feeling well (ill). I hope she’s ok. With or without me (whatever she chooses) I want her to be well in the world and despite the heavy toll this has taken on our hearts and on my health I want her to be ok. I do however hope she decides to try and work things out with us.

I wish I knew what to do in my current situation. I know she is still very angry with me but I can’t seem to get through to her and nor can I convince her how much I still love/feel/care for her. She’s convinced, much as she always was that I am spending my free time in strip joints or with whores when nothing could be further from the truth. I married her and agree to be faithful to her to my dying day and have maintained that beyond reproach. I haven’t even been close.

When I ask myself what she is most upset about I think it’s a fear of being abandoned. I know she felt abandoned in England as I did here. I know that when we were in arguments and she was screaming and cursing and violent to me and I went to sleep in my office she was always angry that I had not stayed to fight with her, but I just had to put a stop to things until we could both be calm and rational. I never wanted to invalidate her feeling by not caring it just didn’t feel helpful to scream at demonstrate that her issues were/are important to me.

I’ve apologized for everything that I know of. I just don’t know what else to do.
When we spoke, I was hit with a barrage of accusations. That I’m a druggie, that I’m a bipolar, that I’m crazy, selfish, only interested in what’s best for me. I could deny all these things but she would only claim that I was invalidating her feelings.

I want her to be well and I hope it is with me. I hope she will accept my invitation to come and try to work through our problems.