I didn't write it but....

There is some funny stuff here.

Reasons to date me:

- I am a man.

This means the following:

- I have a penis (dimensions upon request)

- I have two testicles (dimensions upon request)

- I complain

- I have a poor morning disposition (references upon request)

- I emit occasionally offensive odors

- I will embarrass you more than you embarrass me (extrapolated from historical data)

- I eat meat (see note above re: offensive odors)

- I drink

- I drink more than you (assuming you weigh less than 175 pounds)

- I drink to get drunk (see note above re: poor morning disposition)

- I drink to make you fun

- I curse (if you don't like it, fuck you)

- I am fun (ask anybody, except your friend Jessica - she's a bitch anyway)

- I employ logic to solve a problem

- Predicting my disposition is as simple as knowing the winning percentage of the NY Giants

- I hate your ex-boyfriends

- I like fire, with or without the cigarettes

- I do stupid shit like testing the absorbancy of spinach gnocchi at a dinner party whenever the conversation bores me

- I recognize that when someone utters the phrase "This is so fun/great/exciting/etc" they are internally miserable

- I lie, but only to avoid offending you ("Those jeans look great on you")

- I watch porn (frequency is inversely proportional to our sexual frequency)

- I am presumptuous (see note above re: our sexual frequency)

- I watch sports

- I listen to music that makes me feel good

- I say your friend is getting fat when I know damn well she weighs less than you do

- I hate PDA

- I think you have at least 2 hot friends

- I am messy

- I think your friends suck

- I am confident, mainly as a result of general indifference

- I smell like one of the following: cologne, soap, deoderant, your cigarette

- I am smart enough to know when to end a pointless argument

- I love me, with or without you





What I'm looking for:

- A woman


This means the following:

- You have a vagina (details on plumage to be sent with picture)

- You have two breasts (dimensions to be sent with picture)

- You bitch

- You have a poor disposition (every 28th day or whenever you feel like blaming your own problems on me)

- You emit occasionally offensive noises (like that laugh you fake over the phone when responding to a joke you know isn't funny)

- You are easily embarrassed (thanks to a genuine concern for what strangers think of you)

- You eat chicken and sushi

- You drink apple martinis

- You drink fewer apple martinis than I do (assuming you weigh less than 175 pounds)

- You drink to forget abusive ex-boyfriends

- You drink to make me bearable to be around

- You curse (and I like it)

- You're fun, whenever you're not around your girlfriends (that Jessica turns you into such a bitch)

- Your arguments lack cohesive thought processes and logic (your solutions are most often supported by all the empirical evidence contained in the sentence "just because.")

- Predicting your disposition requires an intimate knowledge of string theory

- You somehow cannot deduce that all of your ex-boyfriends are still trying to fuck you

- You like to smoke socially, but only so as not to feel excluded

- You do stupid shit like use my toothbrush to fish your mascara out of the toilet, or open a toxic can of paint with a knife taken from the same drawer that the screwdriver is in

- You lack the ability to recognize that when you say "This is so fun/great/exciting/etc" that you are forcing it

- You like it when I lie

- You hate porn, but only because you know it can replace you, if only temporarily

- You are presumptuous ("Where are we going for dinner?")

- You watch reality TV

- You listen to music that makes you cry

- You say you're getting fat while wolfing down your 3rd slice of pizza

- You like PDA because you're starved for attention

- You hate knowing I think your friends are hot, and tell me embarrassing stories about them behind their backs in an effort to make them seem less desirable, when in actuality, you're making them seem more attainable

- You are somehow messier than I am, but it's always my fault

- You think your friends suck more than I think they do, but you'll never admit it

- You have self-esteem issues, mainly as a result of nothing I can control

- You always smell like your shampoo

- You hate it when I am smart enough to realize when pursuing an argument is futile (see note above re: logic)

- You love being with someone

- Deep down inside, you know all of this is true