week in week out

Well after seeing my Dr. on Friday the change is helping. I am no longer nauseous all the time. I hope it helps. I’m down to my High School weight at this point and if I drop below 180 I think I’m going to get some weight gain drinks or something. I suppose it is saving the hotel a fortune on food.

I spoke with Teresa last night for about 45 minutes. She wasn’t feeling well (ill). I hope she’s ok. With or without me (whatever she chooses) I want her to be well in the world and despite the heavy toll this has taken on our hearts and on my health I want her to be ok. I do however hope she decides to try and work things out with us.

I wish I knew what to do in my current situation. I know she is still very angry with me but I can’t seem to get through to her and nor can I convince her how much I still love/feel/care for her. She’s convinced, much as she always was that I am spending my free time in strip joints or with whores when nothing could be further from the truth. I married her and agree to be faithful to her to my dying day and have maintained that beyond reproach. I haven’t even been close.

When I ask myself what she is most upset about I think it’s a fear of being abandoned. I know she felt abandoned in England as I did here. I know that when we were in arguments and she was screaming and cursing and violent to me and I went to sleep in my office she was always angry that I had not stayed to fight with her, but I just had to put a stop to things until we could both be calm and rational. I never wanted to invalidate her feeling by not caring it just didn’t feel helpful to scream at demonstrate that her issues were/are important to me.

I’ve apologized for everything that I know of. I just don’t know what else to do.
When we spoke, I was hit with a barrage of accusations. That I’m a druggie, that I’m a bipolar, that I’m crazy, selfish, only interested in what’s best for me. I could deny all these things but she would only claim that I was invalidating her feelings.

I want her to be well and I hope it is with me. I hope she will accept my invitation to come and try to work through our problems.

2nd time in 3 weeks

My 2nd time in an ER in three weeks was fun. I'm getting a bit tired of it but the stress of my job and the absolute lack of contact to my once loving wife takes me in a very horrible place. I'm doing better now and have gotten new meds. I had very little idea why she is so angry with me or why she had refused any form of conversation or reconcilliation but it is taking its toll. I don't want a divorce but if she requires one I wish she would do so that I could move on. I still love her and want to see her again and hear her voice but only now with the compasion that we were both lacking during our time apart.

Who knows, she may be gone but I stick my my posting of December, that my marriage to her was the best thing that had ever happend to me and I love her very much. I only wish that she would accept my wrong doings and appologize for some of her own. I may have married a child and not the 32 y.o.woman with an exteremly indiscrete history of her own that I had expected.

stat counter from MD and San Jose

I can only imagine my IP is being scanned and I'm being screened by the inlaws. The stat counter is hitting dozens of hits from Westminster MD and San Jose all day yesterday and Sunday the 18th. Have fun looking for more dirt.

Dieing on the Inside

I've not left with much I can do. I keep working, I guess. I went to New Mexico and Nevada this weekend bad idea. Forgot my anxiety pills and had a panic attack in a parking garage. I'm at the depth of despair and I'm doing the best I can to keep my head up but this is so hard. I never knew I could be torn apart like this.

If I had an address for her I'd send her a copy of "Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind" (we loved this movie) and a copy of the quote from Lance Armstrong "well its better that you give up on something at the first sign of trouble because then you have something to regret for the rest of your life".

Bitch moan, cry, wail. I do love her so.