Completly inane

This was taken from a wonderful website called "songfacts". Kelly comments were regarding the lesser heard Beatles song, No Reply. And whereas I agree to her/him that it is unfortunate that I will never get to hear The Beatles perform. Its sadder still that John and George are dead. The irony I think will be when Paul is the last living Beatles. The last Beatles concert was in August '66 in Candlestick Park and they last appeared in public in January '69. Sorry, Vato, but I think you're way late on this on. Hell, JL was dead before you were born.

Yep Im 16 and the beatles are so wonderful. its wierd how my parents liked the beatles at my age, and now i adore them...but unfortunatley you can never really see them live anymore...- Kelly, Farmingdale, NY

Amazingly Comprehensive

SLANG SLURS SLANDER

Overheard

It's Bacteria That Gives It The Flavor

Guy: Original flavored yogurt tastes terrible.
Girl #1: You should have seen the faces he was making.
Girl #2: Why? Does it taste like semen?

Guy: I wouldn't know, would you?
Girl #2: I don't know; I've never tasted plain yogurt before!

--Chelsea Market, 9th Avenue

Every Future Touch

I remember most of the places
(I) can see most all their faces
And the way their eyes
Always Looked, just so.

They were skinny,
Some were ample
Others kind and those
Who trampled me,
Until I had to go

All infidels aside
I’m just a little late
I promise dear,
I’m missing you
And every future touch

She wouldn’t talk
Others would rattle;
One would hide me
Another would scatter
Whenever trouble came around

Not for want
Or fear of looking,
One could wash
I’d do the cooking
And hold fast to her
As we rambled through the night

All infidels aside
I’m more than a little late
I promise dear,
I’m missing you
And every future touch

© los grapadora 8-22-05

Settle In

Settle In

Go on + settle in
The fit’ll kick a while;
Cecil brought no word
how it was to die.

What’s mine and yours
were never quite the same;
Pulled along side me
So bright you’d shine

Once you cajoled
Made a wager long;
At the final post
Wish I hadn’t heard.

Roll the way home,
home we use-ta share
at the waters edge
hidden comforts there

Baby blue & Brown
Living in this other town;
Go-cup fingers crossed
The flail with ever end.

Go on + settle in
The fit’ll kick a while;
Kees brings no word
How it had to die.

© los grapadora 8-17-05

missed Friday due to moving - aka VW

Ariel Ramirez

Oh where you lay
Your head tonight
I'll roll away alone
And close on down

Take up your ring
And fly back out
And we'll pretend,
Forget we're dead

Yeah, we'll lay it down
When we're all through
When we're killed or cured
And barely heard

Put Ariel on
And smoke away the night
And do the white net craw
lUntil the hammers fall

I kept your poem here
With all my other gear
But in the end I missed what it meant

Oh where you lay
Your head tonight
I'll roll away alone
And close on down.

the burn

Black Star

Black Star
i get home from work and you're still standing in your dressing gown well what am i to do?
i know all the things around your head and what they do to you.what are we coming to?
what are we gonna do?

chorus
blame it on the black star
blame it on the falling sky
blame it on the satellite that beams me home.

the troubled words of a troubled mind i try to understand what is eating you.
i try to stay awake but its 58hours since that i last slept with you.
what are we coming to?
i just don't know anymore.

i get on the train and i just stand about now that i don't think of you.
i keep falling over i keep passing out when i see a face like you.
what am i coming to?
i'm gonna melt down

ONCE

Once I was dug up I was sinking

I was longing to be saved

I lapped up to the bay bar

And I saw her bobbing like a wave

And I slowed down

Just six months this summer since I've known her

That she's been away

And sometimes I still answer to the gone ghosts

that only suckers make

Slow down and hold on hold on

Even my heroes are almost gone

Almost folding from the flame

But how low can your fuse glow

And warm you until your torch begins to fade

I dreamed of a couple dancing close and drunk

In the spray of lights they made

And once I was dug up I was sinking but now

I'm longing to be saved

I was happier this time last year.

I hope to one day hear Mark Miller and his wife record this song.

Expectations in three

Chorus:

Pride packs her bags and she barded the train with desire
As I stood at the station, I said goodbye
To the fine line between high and dry


I don’t ask for much cause I’ve given up trying
To get through one day with nobody lying
And nothing taken away
If you gave me three wishes I would be done with the dishes
And the Children would sleep just once through the night
And then there might be a way

Chorus

If I could know anything, I would know where you are
And I would know why you left and why you’re always so far
So high and so far away

If I could be anything I’d be that girl on the swing
I’d be the man on the train who helps his wife with her bags
And put an end to the shame

Chorus 2X:

If I had all the kings’ money I would pay off these bills
And have a night on the town and make a run for the hills
And stop this hanging around

© Mark Miller 2005

It's not what you know, it's that you know

It's been pointed out to me that the previous posting might be taken the wrong way. But I say fine. I didn't ask for a divorce nor did I give up on my wife for unreasonable reasons (in fact at all, I stuck by her). So if she or anyone else can't see the humor in the previous post which is from the Onion then to Hell with them. It's funny. The Onion says so.

As for the rest of it, I'd rather have my reasonable wife back as compared to the life I have now, but that is not to be. So, here I am. Waiting for the papers she says she will send. In many ways I hope she does. I never expected to find a woman I wanted to marry, so she was a suprise but I also never expected to chose someone so weak of will. Here I am, 32 with a woman who told me she only chose me in order to get out of Sedona.

I would have bought her a bus ticket. I should have given her the divorce she wanted in the Thai Chung Airport.

I'M A FUCKED UP CHICK MAGNET (TAKEN FROM THE ONION) but funny

Hey, I don't want to brag, but when you got it, you got it. And when it comes to picking up women with severe personality disorders, I've got it. Seems like whenever I'm in the same room with a sexy young nutcase looking for some hot dysfunctional action, we lock eyes and I gaze right into the twisted, abnormal recesses of her psyche, and then—bam! We make an instant, undeniable, and incredibly unhealthy connection. What can I say? When it comes to women, I'm a fucked-up-chick magnet.

I know what you're thinking: "Who is this guy to sound so full of himself?" I'm not being egotistical—it's just true. Hey, I know I'm not perfect. Who is? We've all got problems. I'm sure I've got some myself. But here's one problem I don't have: the ladies. When it comes to charming every borderline psycho in a skirt, I take second place to no man. I guess I just give off that "Hey there, pretty lady with the lifelong unresolved emotional issues" vibe. It can't be taught—you either got it or you don't. And I got it.

Everywhere I go, all kinds of psychiatrically disturbed women come running—women who never got over a traumatic childhood accident, or habitually cut themselves, or slept with their stepfathers, or abuse substances while locked in self-destructive cycles of internalized loathing and rage. They just can't keep their hands off me.

It's been this way my whole life. When I was 14, I got lucky with a classmate's mom. In high school, I dated every bipolar suicide risk in town. In college, I had at least a dozen girlfriends who couldn't decide whether they were mental patients or lesbians. It's just the way it is: Deranged dolls dig me.

I don't even have to try. Maybe it's chemistry, or pheromones, or these women can tell I'm afflicted with a complementary set of psychiatric disorders and their fucked-up-female intuition just can't resist. Whatever it is, I'm not complaining. All I have to do is show up at a bar, and before last call, every damaged woman in the place will make a beeline for yours truly, looking to get me entangled in a horrific web of codependency, manipulation, and mutual denial.

The sex is great, too. Believe me, all these highly unstable women have so many self-esteem issues, identity crises, and subconscious needs for approval from absent or emotionally abusive father figures, they'll do practically anything to try to please a man, no matter how self-destructive it is. Sweet!

Take this hot little nutjob who picked me up last weekend. Talk about crazy between the sheets! She cleaned my pipes six ways from Sunday before breaking down in tears out of nowhere at 4 a.m., screaming irrational threats, and trying to throw my stereo out the second-story window. Luckily, I was able to calm her down with a little TLC—time-release lithium capsules—and get her into a cab before she caused any serious property damage. But still, she can't stay away—she's been leaving, like, eight voicemail messages an hour on my cell phone. Hey, once they get a little taste of the old Deanster, they always come back for more... even after multiple restraining orders and injunctions.

All I can do is shrug and say, "Crazy women go crazy for me."

Lots of guys have asked for my secret, saying stuff like, "Wow, you sure can pick 'em," or "Dude, you need help." They can't understand how I manage to attract so many hot, wild, desperately pathological chicks. But I can't tell you my secret... It's just some kind of inexplicable magic.

Well, whatever it is, I'm enjoying every fucked-up minute of it.

Can't write my mind like I want it to Read

To my oldest Pal:

Ship me somewheres east of Suez,
where the best is like the worst,
Where there aren't no Ten Commandments
an' a man can raise a thirst;
For the temple-bells are callin',
an' it's there that I would be
By the old Moulmein Pagoda,
looking lazy at the sea;
On the road to Mandalay,
Where the old Flotilla lay,
With our sick beneath the awnings
when we went to Mandalay!
O the road to Mandalay,
Where the flyin'-fishes play,
An' the dawn comes up like thunder
outer China 'crost the Bay !

Whale of a Tale

Been writing all of this stuff down and making spread sheets trying to keep it all straight. Bullet Points just weren't cutting it. I've finally making alot of sense and actually a really fantastical story of bizarre but true events. Sure I'll have to fictionalize the ending; cuting and pasting all the emails, linking the missing pieces from from friends from the Dr's, therapists, "experts", the miles traveled, dark and light places visited and at such strange times and places. The cast alone is nuts.

Its all completely ridiculous and sometimes I think I can almost wake up from all this and see the blinds of an old bedroom but thats what makes it real. Crazy - thats the prognosis by everyone - I say fucking Hilarious, cerca Billy Bob Thorton in the intro scene to Badder Santa.

Friday again and I'm not closer

I can't begin to describe the amount of dissapointment that I feel every tedious moment of the day and night for last 3 months. Disspointed in my life and my wife. Dissappointed in the decisions of sacrifice I've made along the way and dissappointed in myself for leaning on those around me.

I would still try just about anything to salvage the relationship with her but her continual hostillity has not subsided for more than a few occasions in our limited communication. Her hatred and accusations are seemingly never ending. I can't even deal with it anymore, I just have to let it slide. I can't fight with her for no reason. I'm can't live with the anger. I'm just not that unhappy with another human being that I would still call up an tell I love (which she does).

To her, I am a lyer, a thief, a adulter and an abandoner. None of which are true. I've appologized till I'm blue in the face and it does no good. I can not get her forgiveness and she feels she owes none for her transgressions. I'm tired of this wound it hurts too bad.

Well here I am. What do I do now? What a strange purgatory I now reside in. Can't move forward can't go back, don't really like where I (as a person) am. Austin is good and comfortable and fun. Sailing, casual shorts, running, riding in the jeep, working on Mark's house, 40 hours, safety from terrorism.

What the hell is next?

week in week out

Well after seeing my Dr. on Friday the change is helping. I am no longer nauseous all the time. I hope it helps. I’m down to my High School weight at this point and if I drop below 180 I think I’m going to get some weight gain drinks or something. I suppose it is saving the hotel a fortune on food.

I spoke with Teresa last night for about 45 minutes. She wasn’t feeling well (ill). I hope she’s ok. With or without me (whatever she chooses) I want her to be well in the world and despite the heavy toll this has taken on our hearts and on my health I want her to be ok. I do however hope she decides to try and work things out with us.

I wish I knew what to do in my current situation. I know she is still very angry with me but I can’t seem to get through to her and nor can I convince her how much I still love/feel/care for her. She’s convinced, much as she always was that I am spending my free time in strip joints or with whores when nothing could be further from the truth. I married her and agree to be faithful to her to my dying day and have maintained that beyond reproach. I haven’t even been close.

When I ask myself what she is most upset about I think it’s a fear of being abandoned. I know she felt abandoned in England as I did here. I know that when we were in arguments and she was screaming and cursing and violent to me and I went to sleep in my office she was always angry that I had not stayed to fight with her, but I just had to put a stop to things until we could both be calm and rational. I never wanted to invalidate her feeling by not caring it just didn’t feel helpful to scream at demonstrate that her issues were/are important to me.

I’ve apologized for everything that I know of. I just don’t know what else to do.
When we spoke, I was hit with a barrage of accusations. That I’m a druggie, that I’m a bipolar, that I’m crazy, selfish, only interested in what’s best for me. I could deny all these things but she would only claim that I was invalidating her feelings.

I want her to be well and I hope it is with me. I hope she will accept my invitation to come and try to work through our problems.

2nd time in 3 weeks

My 2nd time in an ER in three weeks was fun. I'm getting a bit tired of it but the stress of my job and the absolute lack of contact to my once loving wife takes me in a very horrible place. I'm doing better now and have gotten new meds. I had very little idea why she is so angry with me or why she had refused any form of conversation or reconcilliation but it is taking its toll. I don't want a divorce but if she requires one I wish she would do so that I could move on. I still love her and want to see her again and hear her voice but only now with the compasion that we were both lacking during our time apart.

Who knows, she may be gone but I stick my my posting of December, that my marriage to her was the best thing that had ever happend to me and I love her very much. I only wish that she would accept my wrong doings and appologize for some of her own. I may have married a child and not the 32 y.o.woman with an exteremly indiscrete history of her own that I had expected.

stat counter from MD and San Jose

I can only imagine my IP is being scanned and I'm being screened by the inlaws. The stat counter is hitting dozens of hits from Westminster MD and San Jose all day yesterday and Sunday the 18th. Have fun looking for more dirt.

Dieing on the Inside

I've not left with much I can do. I keep working, I guess. I went to New Mexico and Nevada this weekend bad idea. Forgot my anxiety pills and had a panic attack in a parking garage. I'm at the depth of despair and I'm doing the best I can to keep my head up but this is so hard. I never knew I could be torn apart like this.

If I had an address for her I'd send her a copy of "Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind" (we loved this movie) and a copy of the quote from Lance Armstrong "well its better that you give up on something at the first sign of trouble because then you have something to regret for the rest of your life".

Bitch moan, cry, wail. I do love her so.